Thursday, January 10, 2008

2007: Final Buckets

I'm done with rankings, like the BCS I think they are lame and contra-logical. So here it is. Eat your heart out Harris Interactive, and go screw yourselves USA Today.

Each issue, 20-25 schools will be fit into five major bucket categories. The bigger the bucket, the better you are. America, Fuck Ya!

World's Largest Oak Bucket


You are the biggest bucket, so therefore, by all American standards, you are the best. I thought about putting UGA up here, but they didn't perform week in and week out the way LSU did, even if what LSU did wasn't that spectacular. I hate to admit it but the Tigers might be the best team in the nation, either that or all the media brainwashing worked on me. No they aren't winning any "Greatest Team Ever" tournaments that ESPN will probably hold this summer, but they won most of their games, won their conference, and won the Mythical National Championship.

The Big Bucket of Party!

UGA, USC, WVU, Missouri

No, you're not the biggest, but you had a good time. You always show up to the party, although sometimes you aren't quite yourself. Crappy games against crappy schools like Stanford, Pitt and South Carolina will land you here despite good efforts elsewhere.

The Five Gallon Bucket

Ohio State, VT, OU, Kansas, Tennessee

Good effort, good season, good team. Not great, not even close, but nothing to be ashamed of. Ohio State, you almost made it up to the 'Party Bucket!' but I just don't get the battle tested vibe from your performance against Zook and Miles. Tennessee snuck in here because they won their division. (No BC, you don't get the same grace, try not losing to FSU and Maryland next year and I'll see what I can do.)

Small Range Bucket

BC, Texas, Auburn, Michigan, Oregon, Texas Tech

This is where the second tier officially begins, you guys aren't that great. Ya, you won some games, but you also totally embarrassed yourself against poor teams, repeatedly. If you didn't do it repeatedly you didn't do anything positive to prove me wrong. Good season, I guess, if being almost good is considered a success. (Oregon, I don't know what the hell to do with you guys. Ya, with Dixon you guys might be the best team in the nation, but without him you are terrible.)

Gilligan's Bucket Hat

Arizona State, Florida, Michigan, Illinois, Cinci, Wisconsin, Penn State

Ok, so the polls all go to 25. They used to only fill out 20 a week, but apparently too many soccer moms were upset about their kids being left off the list. It is because of these soccer moms that Gilligan's Bucket Hat exists. Your team was ok, but you showed major flaws and an inability to even compete with the big dogs.

So that's it, welcome to Bucket Rankings and I'll see you after Draft Day for a Preseason edition.

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