Things That Are Not Irish

Fresh off my first ever not-drunk-at-8-am-St-Patrick's-Day, I was able to take a rather sober and shocking perspective when I first walked into the bars last night. This is about as off topic as it gets so I'm going to try and keep it short, but I think the world needs to hear this.

Please see the list of "Things That Are Not Irish" below. For those of you with poor memories I suggest taking notes, or not. I honestly don't car if you do/have done all of these things, but I do want know if I'm the only one who is noticing this stuff.

Things That Are Not Irish

Flashing green things - Green plastic is not Irish, being tacky is not Irish, Miller Lite logos are not Irish. Combining all of these things together does not cancel out how non-Irish they are.

Boston Red Sox hats - There is a very strong Irish presence in the city of Boston. Most of them are being driven out by richer, non-Irish people building nice buildings and driving up property taxes...but that is neither here nor their. If you are celebrating St. Partric's day in a city that is not Boston with a Red Sox had, you are probably not from Boston. If you are from Boston, but now live somewhere else, you are probably from 45 minutes outside of Boston. I'm not here to tell you you can't be a fan, I'm happy you are, just know that wearing a green Sox hat and green Sox t-shirt does not make you Irish. Also, baseball is not Irish.

Notre Dame hats - See above. This is a little complicated because they are technically "The Irish" and do wear green from time to time (although they also wear Blue, Gold, Yellow and White...that's five colors). Anyway, being from Long Island or New Jersey, Chicago or Minnesota, and going to Notre Dame for college does not make you Irish. Acting elite and smarter than everyone else also does not make you Irish.

Asking the Irish band to play 80's rock covers - If 80's rock is your thing more power to you, but the guy is actually from Ireland, I'm pretty sure he's not into Poison. They play 80's rock at these types of bars the other 364 days of the year, let the guy play some actual Irish music, you know, in the whole spirit of being Irish.

Green Miller Lite beer - Kind of self explanatory. Miller Lite is really the opposite of what Ireland is all about. Making it green does not change this.



If you think not doing any of these non-Irish things may leave a void in your holiday celebrations, feel free to supplement them with any of the following Things That Are Irish: bag pipes, being drunk, Guinness, getting in fights.